


and if my wishes came true, it would've been you

by starrytae



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Current dotae, Exes, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Pining, Post-Break Up, Weddings, past dojae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26086714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrytae/pseuds/starrytae
Summary: "Do you think this ever could've been you instead?" Johnny asks, holding up the invitation as if Jaehyun hadn't read it a million times, the gold scripted Save the Date at the top mocking him."That's the worst part. I think in some other world, some alternate universe, it is."(doyoung is getting married and jaehyun is still the tiniest bit in love with him)
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 17
Kudos: 126





	and if my wishes came true, it would've been you

**Author's Note:**

> prepare to get your heart broken :]
> 
> heavily inspired by [the 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsZ6tROaVOQ) by taylor swift

"He's getting married?" Johnny asks, looking down at the invitation in his hands. Jaehyun can't help the bitter scoff that edges out of his mouth. 

"Apparently." 

Johnny is flipping the invitation back and forth, over and over again as if that would make the words magically disappear. "Do you think this ever could've been you instead?" Johnny asks, holding up the invitation as if Jaehyun hadn't read it a million times, the gold scripted Save the Date at the top mocking him. Jaehyun lets out an empty laugh before he answers the question.

"That's the worst part. I think in some other world, some alternate universe, it is." 

He had gotten home to their shared apartment that night to a glaringly fancy envelope stuffed between the electric bill and the newest issue of Aperture magazine per Johnny’s subscription. There was no return address, no sender-name, just his name, _Jung Yoonoh,_ written in elegant gold script on a cream colored envelope (he already had a sinking feeling in his gut as he tore open the envelope because the people in his life who called him Yoonoh were few and far between).

And when he had opened the envelope, it felt like fate was playing a cruel trick on him as the name of his ex-boyfriend, Doyoung, and his ex’s current boyfriend, Taeyong, was staring back up at him, along with the words “save the date”, “celebrate our love and union” and “RSVP below”.

He was well aware of who Taeyong was. 

Jaehyun wasn’t proud to admit he did his fair share of stalking on social media, but in his defense, going from talking with someone everyday—morning and night—to not even receiving a text on his birthday was a bit jarring. He couldn’t help the nagging thoughts of how Doyoung was doing, where he was and what he was up to (if he was doing better without Jaehyun, because Jaehyun sure as hell wasn’t doing better without him). And if he got the answers to those questions in the dead of night when there were no prying eyes by scrolling through Instagram, nobody had to know. 

That was how he had met Taeyong: through pictures of him and Doyoung holding hands on the beach, sharing a glass of wine on a rooftop garden, Taeyong wrapped up in Doyoung’s arms with both of them smiling brighter than the sun—through captions like “all's well that ends well to end up with you” and “you’re such a dream to me” and Jaehyun’s heart speeds up, slows down, and stops altogether as he scrolls through their relationship, learning the ways they love each other through every picture, caption, comment, and every look they share with each other.

He had no idea they’d taken their relationship to the next level. It must have been recent because 2 weeks ago, everything had been much the same—pictures of flowers and food and his and Taeyong’s little dog Ruby littering Doyoung’s feed (the pictures of Taeyong were still there, still frequent, but nothing about them screamed “we’re engaged”).

Sure enough, with a few taps on his keyboard, he opens up Doyoung’s profile to see a professionally taken picture of the two of them together. They look happy, smiling and embraced in each other’s arms, and Taeyong is looking at Doyoung with nothing short of pure unadulterated and unfiltered admiration. The caption is one word: _yours_ . With a click through to Taeyong’s profile, Jaehyun sees much of the same except in Taeyong’s picture, Doyoung’s head is thrown back in laughter (a candid, a voice that sounds too much like Johnny’s rings in the back of his mind), and Taeyong is leaning close, whispering into his ear and the caption is the final nail in the coffin that is Jaehyun’s rickety, cracked, withering heart: _mine._

Doyoung was getting married to someone else.

“Are you gonna go?” Johnny’s voice is soft, tentative as it pulls Jaehyun out of his memories. 

“Honestly? I’m not sure. Why would he even invite me, anyway? We haven’t spoken in years.” The truth holds heavy and Jaehyun wishes, not for the first time, that he could hit the rewind button on his life and go back to that moment when everything turned upside down. 

“You know he still cares about you, right? Like, I saw what you had and how you were with each other. You don’t just forget someone in your life that made you a better person, someone that special.” He knows his best friend is just trying to help but for some reason, that makes things worse. Of course Doyoung still cares about him. He’s always had a heart too full and too kind for Jaehyun to think any less. But it’s not the same, and it leaves a hollow, throbbing feeling in his chest. 

“I’m just not sure I can watch the guy I’m still in love with marry someone else.”

The apartment fills with a silence, thick and tense, because it’s the first time Jaehyun has admitted out loud that his heart is still miles away in the palm of Doyoung’s hand. A full minute passes before Johnny sighs and pushes himself off the counter he’d been leaning on, reaching up for the cabinet above the fridge. 

“I think you need this.” He plops an unopened bottle of vodka in front of Jaehyun, a neon orange Post-It note taped to the front with the words _for emergencies only_ haphazardly scribbled across it. Jaehyun doesn’t say anything as he grabs it, cracks it open, and raises the entire handle to his lips.

*********

They had met suddenly, simply, by circumstance and situation during their college years. Jaehyun had taken a general psychology class to fulfill one of his basic general education requirements and he had been absolutely dreading it until a boy walked in who had pale skin, jet black hair, striking eyes and a kind smile. His features were delicate, elegant even, and Jaehyun had almost jumped in surprise when the boy had stopped at the empty seat beside Jaehyun, turning to him and uttering a soft “is this seat taken?”. 

They had fallen in love just like that—simply, suddenly, softly. They fell in love between study dates in the library and the campus coffee shop, in-between runs to the nearest Taco Bell when they were both a little tipsy on Friday nights and in-between the sheets on Jaehyun’s bed afterwards, bathed in slivers of moonlight and whispered moans. 

They had never even really declared their relationship. It just happened. It was as simple as the way the sun falls out of the sky every night and rises every morning, as simple as the way the moon pushes and pulls the tides. One day they just knew what they were, hands held underneath the desk in the middle of class and chaste kisses pressed to cheeks every time they parted in lieu of goodbyes (Doyoung had always hated saying goodbye). Jaehyun was amazed that he had found something so precious, so simple, so _easy_. 

But nothing good lasts forever, and Jaehyun had always had a habit of destroying fragile things. 

* * *

“You’ve been out of it for the past hour. What’s up with you?” Jaehyun is thrown from his memories as Mark waves his hand in front of his face, where he’d been staring at the clock mindlessly. He glances at Mark and realizes that his coworker already had an entire page full of lyrics written down and Jaehyun had yet to even log into his music software.

“I guess I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“I can tell that much. What’s got you spacing out so hard?”

“Doyoung is getting married.” It feels like time stops as Mark stops writing in his notebook, looking up at him wild-eyed. 

“Wait, Doyoung? Like, the Doyoung from college, the first and last love of your life, _that_ Doyoung?” 

“The one and only.” It comes out a bit sharper than Jaehyun would like. Mark has never been anything but a friend to him, has been all shared smiles and light laughter that made their shifts a bit more bearable. But Jaehyun can’t help the way the weight on his chest and the vice that’s been gripping his heart ever since he opened that stupid envelope paints his tone with bitterness. 

“Wow, I don’t even know what to say... How did you find out? I thought you guys hadn’t talked since the break-up.” It’s odd, sometimes, how your coworkers know more about your life than some people you call a friend. Mark knew every story Jaehyun had to tell about Doyoung and then some, had read all the painful lyrics full of longing and lost love. 

“That’s the kicker. He sent me an invite.”

“You’re joking, right?” 

“Dead serious.” 

That’s where the conversation ends and Mark just gives him a shrug and a sympathetic smile before turning back to his notebook. And he supposes that’s why he’s always liked Mark—sometimes silence was better than half-hearted words and pitiful excuses. 

When Jaehyun leaves to take his break, Mark claps him on the back with a soft, “take a 30 instead of a 15, buddy.”

*********

Jaehyun’s favorite part of their relationship was the middle. It’s funny how everything in life has a beginning, a middle, and an end—you just never realize what part you’re in until the end has passed and you’re left with nothing but ghosts and memories that feel like they might slip through the cracks at any time. 

They’d been together for a year and a half by that point and were going into their senior years of college. Doyoung was launching his thesis study for his psychology degree (and the pre-trial research and hypothetical results were promising) while Jaehyun had interviewed for a competitive internship at a recording studio near campus. They had just moved into an apartment off campus and it felt like things were finally falling into place. Their dreams were right in their grasp, fingertips grazing the stars of success, and Jaehyun couldn’t ask for anything more than waking up everyday to Doyoung’s face, eyelashes still fluttering with sleep and the sunlight that fell through the curtains illuminating his features and painting him like a masterpiece. 

When Jaehyun looks back on all their memories, the good and bad, the beginning and end, there’s one moment that stands out to him the most:

Jaehyun still hadn’t heard back from the recording studio 2 weeks into the semester and he had been moping about it for at least 1 of those weeks. When Saturday morning came and Jaehyun was draped over the couch staring at the blank TV screen, Doyoung had all but dragged him out of the apartment, which leads them to where they are now—walking to their favorite diner across town for blueberry waffles (even though it was already 2 pm, because Doyoung knew Jaehyun’s favorite comfort food was those watered-down, too-sweet blueberry waffles). 

They were walking through the park and Jaehyun was explaining why he’d been in a mood for the better part of the week and Doyoung had just nodded along, listening silently and offering encouragement and support along the way. “I’m sure you’re going to hear back soon and I’m even more sure it’ll be a yes.”

“That’s easy for you to say, Doie. You’re at the top of your program! You could get into any PhD program without blinking, and before you refute it don’t think I haven’t seen the amount of recruiters sending you mail.” He watches as Doyoung quickly closes his mouth, a light blush painting the apples of his cheeks at being caught. “You’ve proved yourself ten times over and of course you’ve worked hard for it but… I’m just not sure if I’ve done enough, worked hard enough, and gotten _good enough_ there past few years.” He hates sounding insecure but if there’s anyone in the world he’d open up his chest to expose himself to, it’s Doyoung. 

“Jaehyun, you’ve done plenty. And if they can’t see how valuable you are, how good you are, then that’s a loss for them.” He nods at Doyoung’s comforting words, but there’s still an inkling of doubt and worry at the back of his mind and he can’t help the way he chews at his bottom lip. Doyoung sees that and knows him all too well, knows it’s his tell, and Jaehyun is surprised as Doyoung stops them completely and reaches over, placing both hands on his shoulders and turning his body to face him. 

“Listen to me when I say this, because I mean it. You’re amazing. You’ve worked so hard and you’re so determined in everything you do. Whether you get that internship or not doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, I know you’re going to kick ass and make your dreams come true. There’s not a single doubt in my mind about that. Your success is inevitable and when those dreams do come true, I’m going to be standing right next to you no matter if that’s next week or next year.” And the sincerity in Doyoung’s eyes coupled with the sheer honesty of his words, knowing Doyoung will be there whether his dreams come to life or whether they come crumbling down around him ( _for better or for worse,_ a voice rings out in the back of his mind), knowing Doyoung _wants_ to be there makes his heart soar and a smile spread across his lips. 

“Thank you. I can’t say it enough, but you always know how to put things in perspective for me.”

“You’d be lost without me, Yoonoh.” Doyoung’s voice is soft, smile sweet, and he grabs Jaehyun’s hand and pulls him over to the fountain in the middle of the park. “Here, maybe this will help bring you some luck and speed up the process.” He reaches into his pocket with his free hand and pulls out 2 small coins. He places one in Jaehyun’s other palm, his hand squeezing where their fingers are still interlocked. “Now throw it in and make a wish.”

Doyoung does it first, tossing the coin into the waters with a _plop_ and closing his eyes shut tight, nose scrunched up just a bit and Jaehyun is every bit in love. 

Jaehyun doesn’t need to wish on the internship, or on his dreams of working for a big shot music studio. Instead, he wishes for this. For them. He wishes for everything that was yet to come for them, because Kim Doyoung was a light in his life that he wanted to keep forever. He tosses his coin in, not bothering to close his eyes or take a moment to think it through because the universe should know what he wants as he pulls Doyoung in where their hands are clasped, wrapping his other arm around his waist. 

“I’m so fucking in love with you, Kim Doyoung. You’re stuck with me now.” And when he opens his eyes, a bright smile taking over his lips that reaches his eyes, Jaehyun swears he's never seen anything so beautiful. 

“I think I can handle that.” The _I love you too_ was silent, unspoken, pressed into his lips as Doyoung leaned in and kissed him like forever.

* * *

A week passes before he makes up his mind. Johnny doesn’t say anything more on the topic, but Jaehyun notices the way his friend has started leaving business cards for suit rentals and has pinned the invitation to their fridge front and center, held up by a “Chicago Cubs” magnet.

Jaehyun never had to try to love Doyoung. It had always come easily, naturally, and without effort—but that was exactly why things had ended. Doyoung had always tried so hard, tried enough for the both of them and loved so much harder than Jaehyun ever did. When Jaehyun needed a crutch because the world felt like it was crumbling in on him, Doyoung was there offering himself to shoulder the weight. When Jaehyun needed a shot of light and warmth on days where the cold creeped into his heart, Doyoung was there with open arms. When Jaehyun needed, Doyoung offered, and that was the fatal flaw of their relationship, what had doomed them from the very start to the very end; He'd always taken what Doyoung had given, and Doyoung had always, _always_ given. 

He didn’t need to be told he had loved Doyoung selfishly. And this stupid invitation that stared him down every morning and every night was a challenge to be selfless for once, because whether he liked it or not, Doyoung wanted him there at his wedding. Even now, Doyoung was still giving. He was giving Jaehyun a chance—not to fix things between them, that could never be fixed—but to make up for the past in some tiny, small, miniscule way; to make up for the pain, suffering, and heartbreak he had caused Doyoung.

Because Doyoung had given Jaehyun everything except a reason to leave, and Jaehyun had left anyway.

*********

Their break up was a nasty affair; it was sudden, much like the beginning, but it wasn’t simple and it was anything but soft. It’s so different from every other moment they shared—moments of stolen kisses and whispered promises, of rosy cheeks and sugar-sweet smiles—that it sometimes feels like a nightmare that’s taken the place of the real memory. 

They’d graduated college by that point and they were on the roads to their dreams, one step closer to making it. Jaehyun had snagged an entry level job at a recording studio and Doyoung was doing amazing in his doctoral program, furthering his research. But they were starting to drift apart, just the slightest bit. It wasn't intentional and it wasn't _bad_ but it was obvious that their paths were diverging. Jaehyun worked long into the night, trying to prove his worth in an industry that tended to chew people up and spit them out before they even knew what was happening. Doyoung was up before the sun every day: running to campus, attending classes and labs, and even teaching some of his own. Still, they loved each other. They made it work despite the sudden shift in balance. Every night that Jaehyun slipped into a bed a little too late, a little too loudy, a little too tipsy, he had pressed his lips to Doyoung’s forehead in a silent _goodnight._ And every morning when the sunlight was just starting to peek through the curtain, Doyoung had left for his labs but not before running a hand through Jaehyun’s hair with a quiet _good morning._

It all came to a head one night. They had been fighting for 2 days by that point, jagged words and sharp quips thrown between the two. The fight was over something so small, so insignificant, so _stupid_ that Jaehyun can’t even remember what it was after all these years. At one point they had started screaming, harsh words and loud voices echoing off the apartment walls and Jaehyun hadn’t slept more than 10 hours the past week _._ He sees it in Doyoung, too, the dark circles under his eyes and the way his hands shook just the slightest. They were worn-out, they were exhausted, they were at their lowest and they were both _tired._

“I’m tired of this, Doyoung.” He watches the other, who had probably expected another blow, soften at his words and he watches as the fire flickers and then fades from his eyes, way his shoulders slumping with resignation.

“I’m tired of fighting too. Let’s just go to bed, sleep it off, and we can talk again tomorrow.” He’s rubbing the sleep from his eyes, a small yawn escaping his lips, and it makes Jaehyun regret the words that tumble from his lips without warning. 

“No—I’m tired of this, of us.” And the way Doyoung’s mouth pops open, eyes wide in shock and hurt plain as day on his face—Jaehyun feels the guilt cut through him swift as a blade when he realizes Doyoung hadn’t seen it coming (in truth, Jaehyun hadn’t seen it coming either, the words spilling over without any thought or tact).

“Oh.” 

The silence that settles over the room is deadly. It’s everything they’re not—it’s cold, it’s hard, and most of all, it’s unforgiving. Part of Jaehyun wants to reach out and take the words back, tuck them into his pocket and forget they ever escaped. But the other part, the stronger part, knows there’s no turning back now and in a way, this was inevitable. They’d been drifting apart slowly but surely, and Jaehyun wasn’t sure he could stand to watch Doyoung gradually fade away, piece by piece, until he would be gone altogether. 

“Well if you’re tired of me, I guess I should go.” Doyoung reaches for his coat and it feels all wrong, his heart plummeting to his chest and his breath catching in his lungs, and Jaehyun is scrambling forward to stop him. 

“Doie, I never said I was tired of you. I meant—”

“Don’t,” Doyoung whips around with fury and fire in his eyes and Jaehyun thinks it’s the first time he’s seen him truly angry. “Call me that. This, us, me. It’s all the same and like everything else, we’re obviously not on the same page anymore. I don’t think we have been in a long time.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I mean it as much as you meant what you said. Now if you could please excuse me, I think I have to go fall out of love with you now.” And this is the moment it ends, really. Jaehyun watches as Doyoung walks to the door of their apartment with a stone-cold heart and ice seeping into his veins. But he doesn’t speak, doesn’t move, he just stands there and watches as Doyoung reaches for the door. Doyoung turns to him then and Jaehyun’s heart breaks for the first time as he sees the tears in Doyoung’s eyes, the pain and heartbreak on his sleeve for the world to see, and still underneath it all is undeniable love. “Goodbye, Jaehyun.” And with an air of finality, he walks out the door and closes it shut behind him.

When he leaves, the emptiness expands beyond the 4 walls of Jaehyun’s living room and he’s left wondering if he had meant anything he had said at all (Doyoung always hated goodbyes).

* * *

The wedding is on a Saturday in the middle of October and it is nothing short of a fairytale. As Jaehyun walks into the venue, tie stiff and tight around his neck, his eyes rake over every square inch of the venue. It’s beautiful, picture-esque, and he feels regret course hard and heavy through his body. Everything looks like it came straight out of a teenage girl’s secret Pinterest board—from the fresh and lively floral arrangements to the elegant, golden decor and even the cheesy sign-in book which was more of a picture board, Polaroid cameras set in front of it asking guests to “snap a picture, sign their name, and share the love”. There was no doubt in his mind that Taeyong, Doyoung, and their families had spared no expense, and he almost has a heart attack as he feels someone tap him on the shoulder from behind.

“Jaehyun? Is that you?” He’s caught off-guard by the familiar voice and he whips around to find Jeno, Doyoung’s little brother, looking at him like he had three heads. 

The last time he had seen Jeno was when he, Taeil, and Jungwoo came to their apartment to collect Doyoung’s things (He had never seen Doyoung again after that last night, and he’s both relieved and regretful about that fact). Before Jeno had left, he stood in the doorway with his arms full of boxes, and he had turned to Jaehyun with a look that could kill and said “I really want to punch your stupid face in, but Doie says I’m not allowed to so I’ll just leave it at a sincere ‘fuck you’.”.

“Yeah, it’s been a while, huh?” Jaehyun says, shoving his hands in his pockets and trying to plaster a fake, polite smile on his face. He hopes Jeno can’t see through it, doesn’t notice how panicked he is. Jeno’s shock wears off, replaced by a smile and Jaehyun wouldn’t be surprised if it was equally as fake as his own.

“Quite a while is right. I didn’t know you’d be here today.” It’s a thinly veiled threat if Jaehyun has ever heard one, and as Jeno sizes him up, top to bottom, he knows Jeno wouldn’t bring up forgotten drama and buried hatchets first but Jaehyun is well aware that with one misstep, Jeno won’t hesitate to drag him into the alley he passed on his way in and make good on that threat all those years ago.

“Doyoung invited me. I know we didn’t exactly end on great terms, but I thought I should be here to support him on such a happy day in his life.” He swallows, trying to push his heart back down to his chest, before he puts the megawatt smile back on. “Taeyong and him… they make a lovely couple.” 

Jeno eyes him warily one last time before he sees his shoulders relax the slightest bit and Jaehyun can’t help the slightest bit of relief that washes over him in a wave. “They do, don’t they? Taeyong is super sweet and honestly, Doyoung is really happy. I’m glad you came if Doyoung invited you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some greetings to take care of but it was a pleasure seeing you.” And with that Jeno is stepping to the side and moving onto the next guest, exchanging a casual handshake and a friendly smile.

Jaehyun takes a deep breath. That could have gone 50 different ways and that was, quite honestly, the best possible outcome. His pulse is still racing a little too fast though, and he still feels out of place as he glances around the room and notices people congregating in groups. He spots Jungwoo and Taeil over in the corner, fixing each other’s bowties, and he kind of regrets not RSVP’ing with a plus 1 and bringing Johnny along (though the main reason he avoided doing so was because he didn’t want Doyoung to get the wrong idea. Even if he was here to watch Doyoung get married to someone else, part of him wanted Doyoung to know that for him, there wasn’t anybody that could fill the void left all those years ago). 

It’s when he catches a glimpse of Taeyong that he feels his world tilt on its side. It’s the first time he’s ever seen Taeyong in flesh and blood rather than in pixels and filters, and he’s even prettier in real life. His hair is pushed off his forehead, making him look older and more mature, and Jaehyun notices it’s dyed a soft black rather than the multitude of colors he’d always seemed to have an affinity for. He has a smile that's nothing but genuine happiness, and his eyes are twinkling in the low lighting of the venue as he walks around and greets each guest. He’s gorgeous, really, and Jaehyun feels the cracks in his heart fissure just a bit more as he sets his eyes on Taeyong, who looks so happy that even a stranger could tell that this is the best day of his life. 

He realizes, a little too late, that Taeyong was slowly making his way over to where he stood. He expected the other man to pass over him in his greetings once he realized he wasn’t a familiar face, but he stops, eyes narrowing slightly as if trying to remember, and Jaehyun feels a wave of nausea barrel through him.

“Have we met before?” Taeyong’s voice is light and airy, soft-spoken but still demanding attention as he glances Jaehyun over again. 

“Not entirely, no. I’m a guest of Doyoung’s.” And then the light seems to go off in the other’s mind and his eyes slip into a knowing smile and Jaehyun has never felt more exposed as Taeyong speaks. 

“You’re Jaehyun, aren’t you?” 

Time seems to freeze around them, or at least around Jaehyun. He doesn’t know what to say because the last thing he was expecting today was to speak to Taeyong, let alone be recognized by the man. Never in a million years did he think Doyoung would have Taeyong who he was, but here they are. 

Taeyong reaches out a hand, eyebrows raised and Jaehyun clears his throat, reaching out and meeting him for a handshake. 

“That would be me. It’s nice to meet you.” 

“Sorry if I’ve surprised you. I’m glad you could make it today, truly. Doyoung was nervous about whether you’d come even after you sent us your reservation, but I had a feeling you’d be here.” Jaehyun doesn’t really know what to make of that. He feels like he’s lost any footing he had and he’s not quite sure how to navigate this conversation. 

“I’m glad I could make it today, too.” It feels rude, short, but Jaehyun’s spiraling into panic and it’s the only thing he can think to say besides his next words: “Congratulations on your wedding.”

“Thank you. It means a lot, to both of us.” And he can’t even be jealous, bitter, or mad because Taeyong is sweet. Here he is on his wedding day and he’s making Jaehyun feel welcomed and talking to him as if they’re not strangers—as if they’re friendly neighbors or coworkers instead of people who unknowingly fought for the same spot, the spot Taeyong is standing in now. 

“Well, I better get going but I hope we can catch you again at the reception.” And then he’s gone, flitting over to the next group, and Jaehyun is left trying to catch his breath and make sense of the situation. 

He doesn’t get a chance to get a grip, though, as the guests around him start to crowd into the next room and light piano music fills the empty spaces of silence. Jaehyun’s feet stay planted in place, though, watching everybody file into the room one by one. He has yet to see Doyoung, but he’s not surprised. After all, it’s bad luck to see each other before the wedding and with Taeyong greeting the guests, Jaehyun can only assume he’s locked away somewhere else (he’d always been a sucker for traditions, Jaehyun guesses some things never change). He’s about to move, to force his feet to file in just like the rest when he sees Taeil and Jungwoo emerge from the same hallway with the coat closet, each with their own bouquet of white lilies in their hands. They don’t even notice him straggling behind the crowd, filing in just the same and making their way to the back of the room, ready for the ceremony to begin. 

He knows it’s wrong. He knows it’s selfish. He knows he should suck it up, plaster on the smile and walk into the ceremony like everyone else. And he knows he has no right, but Jaehyun has always been selfish in all things Doyoung and some things simply never change. 

He doesn’t think twice as he slips into the same hallway, eyes narrowing in on a door with the label “Groom’s Suite” on it. Before he can hesitate, second-guess, before he can even _breathe,_ he’s grabbing the doorknob and twisting it, bursting into the room and—

“Yoonoh?” He’s just as breathtakingly beautiful as Jaehyun remembers, if not more. His eyes are just as kind and his smile just as sweet, and Jaehyun’s heart feels whole for the first time in more than 2 years as he takes in the man in front of him. “Jaehyun, what are you doing here?” It’s not mad, not accusatory, just curious and he can’t help the way he melts as Doyoung levels him with a soft stare. 

“I’m sorry, I just needed to see you before…” he trails off, not sure what to say. Before you belong to someone else? Before you’re not mine anymore (even though Doyoung hasn’t been Jaehyun’s for ages). “Before the wedding,” he settles with.

“Why? You’re not here to stop me, are you? Because that would be completely out of line, even for you.” Doyoung is defensive, his arms crossing over his chest and his words putting up walls that he has every right to. Jaehyun hurries to shake his head, taking a step closer towards the other out of habit. 

“I wouldn’t dare, Doyoung.” He takes a deep breath in, trying to get a hold of his heart that’s hammering against his ribcage like a hummingbird, beating a million miles an hour. “The last time I ever saw you, you were saying goodbye. I couldn’t let our next hello be after… this. I had to see you, one last time.”

“Jaehyun, what are you saying?” And fuck if he knows. There’s not enough words and not enough time in the world, he thinks, to tell Doyoung all the ways he’s missed him and all the regrets he holds deep in the darkest corners of his heart. So he settles for the time he does have, which is probably 5 minutes give or take, and the words he does know, which is:

“Doyoung, I’m sorry for everything I put you through. You didn’t deserve the things I said, or the way I ended things. You never deserved to be loved in half-measures. I’ll always support you, Doyoung. I always want what’s best for you and more than anything, I just want you to be happy… even if it's not with me." Jaehyun means it, and he watches as Doyoung's breath hitches in his throat, eyes widening just the slightest bit and Jaehyun's whole body aches to step forward, just a step into Doyoung's circle, but he knows if he does he'll never be able to leave. "I've already taken so much of your time, your guests are probably looking for you and your boy-" he stops himself short. "Your husband," he corrects, "is probably waiting for you too. So I'll let you go." And he steps back, hand reaching for the doorknob, taking in one last look at the man in front of him. And god is he beautiful. He's glowing with happiness and that inherent light that had always seemed to follow Doyoung everywhere. The words slip out of his lips before he can stop them.

"You look absolutely beautiful, Doie. You always do." His hand is on the doorknob, twisting, and he’s about to step out and close the door on them forever when Doyoung speaks, voice shattering the atmosphere around them. 

"How can you stand there and call me beautiful and tell me you want me to be happy on my wedding day? Why do you get to choose today of all days to come back into my life.” His eyes are narrowed, hurt clear as day on his face, and Jaehyun hates the way he’s done it again—he's hurt him again. 

"You invited me.”

"Yes, and I wanted you here Jae, but not like this. You don't get to come in here and confuse me and break my heart again—not when I've finally figured things out. I'm happy, Jaehyun. It took me so long to learn how to be happy again after you tore it away from me and broke my heart." Doyoung's voice is getting loud in the suite and Jaehyun is nervous, but he doesn’t have the heart (nor the right) to stop the man in front of him from saying everything that he’d been bottling up for the better part of 3 years, everything that Jaehyun had never listened to before.

“You were my first love. You showed me that love can be kind and patient and sweet and _easy_ . You were the first person to show me what it meant to be loved and I’ll forever be grateful to you for that.” He pauses, looking down and taking a deep breath and Jaehyun can hear the unshed tears in his voice, a watery sigh escaping his lips before he’s looking up at him again. “But you were also the first person to show me that love can be cruel, and selfish, and _hard._ You showed me what it meant to have your heart broken into pieces and left to bleed alone. Jaehyun, you loved me so good until you didn’t. You walked away from it, from _me,_ and I forgave you for it—I have. But I love Taeyong now.” He breaks off with a half-hearted chuckle, wiping the tears from below his eyes and Jaehyun’s hand burns to reach up instead, straying every tear from his cheeks until he smiles again. But his hand stays by his side and Doyoung continues on.

“He makes me happy. He holds me tight on the nights where the world feels so big and I feel so small. He takes care of me, makes sure I ate enough or drank enough or slept enough. He reminded me how to laugh until my stomach hurt and how to put someone else’s needs, wants, and feelings before your own. He made me smile the way you used to and the way he looks at me—” his eyes flutter shut, his lips curling up so soft and serene and it’s in this moment and this moment alone that Jaehyun knows he’s lost Doyoung forever. “He looks at me like he could spend an eternity by my side and it still wouldn’t be enough time.” He opens his eyes and looks at Jaehyun with such sadness, such _pity_ and he can almost hear his own heart splintering in his chest.

“And once I remembered what it was like to be loved, I started to love him in return. Jaehyun I loved you like the sun loves the moon, like life loves death, like thunder and lightning—but that’s the problem. They’re never going to be together, not in this life at least.” _Just like us._ It’s unspoken but it’s there, lying heavy between the two. 

Jaehyun hadn’t even noticed the way his own eyes had blurred until he felt the tears clinging to his eyelashes, desperate to fall and trail down his face. But as much as he wants to give in, as much as he wants to let his chest cave in, he can’t. Instead, he pulls up the courage from the depths of his being to smile. He knows Doyoung can see that it doesn’t reach his eyes, that it’s hollow and fake and _sad_ but he can’t afford to do anything else. He can’t afford to be even more selfish than he has been because the fact of the matter is he had always loved Doyoung so selfishly and Doyoung has always deserved more than that. 

The love of his life is standing in front of him looking more beautiful, more radiant than Jaehyun can ever recall—looking every bit like forever. Because he is; Doyoung is forever, he's just not Jaehyun's. 

"We were something, don't you think so?" His voice is broken as it comes out and he sees Doyoung break into a bittersweet smile as he steps closer, taking that step into Jaehyun’s space and suddenly Jaehyun forgets how to breathe.

"Yeah. We would've been great." It's the way his fingers go to the ring on his left finger and fiddles with it, the way his eyes are filled with such sadness _,_ it's the way he says "would've" instead of "could've", like they actually had a chance, that breaks Jaehyun’s heart a little bit more. 

It's the way Doyoung feels miles and miles away even though Jaehyun could reach out and touch him. And no matter how much Jaehyun wants to wrap an arm around his waist and pull him in tight and close, no matter how much he wants to press their lips together and breathe him in just one more time—Doyoung isn't his to have or to hold anymore. 

So before Jaehyun can make more of a fool of himself, before more words can spill over, before Doyoung can even reach out a hand to stop him, Jaehyun leans forward and presses his lips against Doyoung’s forehead in a snowflake-soft kiss that he hopes says everything there’s left to say. He expects Doyoung to freeze, to pull away, to do anything except what he does; he melts into Jaehyun so easily, so perfectly, body relaxing with a sigh and it breaks anything that Jaehyun had left. He pulls away and without even a whispered goodbye (because Doyoung hates, _hates_ goodbyes), he turns and walks out of the suite and bolts for the exit, never once looking back.

Doyoung had always been bright like the sun—brilliant and beautiful, a magnificent force to be reckoned with. And Jaehyun was a naive, modern-day Icarus. He thought he could fly close to the sun, could bottle its light and spend the rest of his days basking in its warmth and admiring it from up close, taking in his beauty and kindness for all it’s worth. Now all he's left with is a broken heart and a lifetime destined to admire from afar.

**Author's Note:**

> this was... a lot. a bit of self-projection and pain never hurt anybody though, right? I've never tackled angst or written dojae before, so this was a double whammy for me.
> 
> I hope it was worth the read, let me know your thoughts! did it hurt too much? not enough angst? were the dynamics off? I'm always looking to improve. (also, anyone want doyoung's pov...?)
> 
> [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/sunflowerzens) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/starryskys)


End file.
